MY PHASES OF EMOTIONS...

Parents of children with a health condition often find themselves dealing with various emotions. As a parent of a child with Heterotaxy, one may find it hard at times to ignore what they are feeling. When a parent realizes that their child has health issues, they go through different phases of emotions. I want to share with you some of the phases that I personally went through.

The first phase is disbelief. I had a hard time grasping what the doctors were telling me; “What do you mean my daughter’s stomach is on the right? How can she have three spleens?” I remember questioning everything & having a hard time believing what the doctors were telling me.

The second phase is guilt. I blamed myself for giving it to Chloe. I felt solely responsible because her beautiful little life developed inside of my body. I felt it was my fault and my guilt to carry. I know now that nobody is at fault, and that in life, circumstances happen which are way beyond our control!

The third phase is Anger. I was angry with the Ultrasound Lab Technician because she did not see the abnormalities of my unborn child. I had gone through a series of ultrasounds during my pregnancy. Why is it she missed seeing three spleens and not pick up the abdominal situs inversus? I was also angry with the doctors for not catching the syndrome sooner. Most of all, I was angry at the syndrome itself for having the nerve to inflict my daughter! It took me a while to come to grips with this emotion but I did realize that I could not change the outcome, had we found out sooner. Heterotaxy, Polysplenia is a condition that Chloe will never out grow; she was born with this syndrome. However, what her doctors and I do is manage her health conditions on a daily basis (control her asthma, GERD, allergies, and try to prevent infections).

The forth phase is jealousy. I was jealous over the parents that had normal kids. That their children have not endured what Chloe has. It was unfair to my daughter. This is an emotion: I do not like to admit because it is not a positive one. Nevertheless, we would not be human if we did not feel these types of emotions.

The fifth phase is sadness. I was sad because it made Chloe very sick at times. I was saddened when Chloe had pneumonia again, saddened because she was sick with another unexplained infection, and saddened because the flu had hospitalized her.

The sixth phase is empathy. I have such compassion, understanding, and love for my daughter because she is my little girl. I have gone through the rollercoaster of emotions with her. As a parent, I feel what she feels. There is no greater emotion than the LOVE felt for a child!

The seventh phase is optimism. I believe that having faith and having a positive attitude is important for the wellbeing of my family. This is one area that I have difficulties with but I try my best took be optimistic. I know that Chloe has a good prognosis compared to other children with Heterotaxy and for that, I am grateful.

I know that feeling emotions are a part of being human; it is how we handle these emotions that counts. We need to come to grips with our emotions and learn how to live with them. It is about finding that “Happy Medium” (and finding the right balance). I also know by writing about my experience, helps me to deal with my emotions. This is one of the reasons why I blog. It helps me to understand and deal with the concepts of having a child with a special condition.

My daughter is special not because of her syndrome but because of who she is. Chloe is my champ! I have such admiration for her. She is a wonderful little girl with unique personality. Chloe leaves an impression on everyone she meets. I owe it to my daughter and others like her to find answers and not give up. Chloe is one of the many faces of Heterotaxy.